Well, not literally, but you get the idea…
In a way I do, because since getting my Associates Degree in Music Occupations at the beginning of the summer, I have spent all my time playing guitar and honing my chops. I have no job because I went back to get my degree full time and get out of there, all my friends are off either working at Fedex, doing stuff with each other or have just decided to abandon me altogether, i have not perused any female companionship ever (not like I would ever get any anyways), so in essence I spend every waking moment playing guitar.
But it seems that things might be going in the direction I want…
I am in a forming Jazz/Funk band with a WAMI award wining sax player but we are still looking for a bass player, I am playing at a church downtown every Sunday for $75, I am trying to visit different music stores and get my name out there, I have 2 job opportunities this coming Tuesday and Wednesday at UPS and FedEx which means money for me, if I do get them I am going to take Jazz guitar lessons at the Wisconsin Conservatory of Music and in having both of those, I will hopefully go back to school next year at Lawrence University and get my B.A in Music Theory/Composition.
But yet… even with all of that, I still feel a sense of anxiety and worry. Worry moreso in the thought that all this hard work I put into my music will be all for naught.
I mean, hell, music is all I’ve ever known. I have never had many friends, I was always an outcast to others, I’ve never been handsome (on my Midnight cover, some dude had said that I looked like an extra in ‘Revenge Of The Nerds’ hahaha), I didn’t go out and socialize and always very shy but also very very angry and have kept that anger bottled up inside. So I took all my stuff out on my guitar. I put all my energy into my music and my playing because I figure I can’t do anything else right, I might as well stick with something that works.
I just don’t want to end up like all these other people I’ve seen, including my friends and family. My old friend George went to MATC the same year I did and got his degree in automotives, but he ended up giving up on his dream to work at Midwest Airlines as a ramp jokey. My cousin katie went to school to become a journalist because that is what she loved, and she did become one for a while, working for ESPN, and even got her Bachelors in Communications, but she went and met some guy on the internet, moved away and screwed up her life by marrying him, divorcing him after a year and getting knocked up by a new guy and having a kid. Now she’s stuck in a job she really doesn’t want to be in.
I don’t know, this is just another one of those “oh my god, reality sucks” moments.
I guess I just wanted to get all of my thoughts out in the open so I can fall asleep tonight. Must wake up early for my gig tomorrow morning.
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